Drunk With Moxy

There are a number of things in this world that make my head explode in mega ultra frustration. Fat chicks, PETA, Three Doors Down, cigarette smoking bans... all very good reasons to go ape shit crazy and OJ Simpson some bitches. But if there is one thing that really gets my blood boiling, its the steaming piece of crap "smash hit lol" shit can fest "Napoleon Dynamite".

If you haven't seen it, I envy your ignorance. However, since I take everyone down with me, here is a clear cut synopsis of the movie: A bunch of retard Mormon's jack each other off and talk is a dry monotone voice. If I were to meet someone who talked like these asshats, I don't know if I would be safe to be around.

As soon as I thought the R-tard fest that is "Napoleon Dynamite" was done and out of everyone’s vocabulary (see: any scensters Myspace quotes section circa one year ago), I hear though the interweb-vine that they are thinking about make a sequel, which means a whole new series of recycled phrases like “sweet” and “ND is tottly soooo muhc bettar than ne movi evar HAHAHAH!” which will most likely send me into a fist fight craze. And we all know that this one will have the same success as the first which means movies that proceed it will now have no reason to have any aesthetic value.

So since I am sure that this one is going to suck big ass balls like the first, I present to you a list of 5 things that could possibly make the movie sorta kinda tolerable.

1. Have Actor/Drunkard Peter O’Toole stumble across the place ripping on the cast.
There is nothing better than drunk people ripping on losers, and if that’s the case of the moment, why not use the ultimate drunkard, Peter O’Toole. Just imagine a cherry faced liquored up old man with an English accent calling Pedro a racial slur or hitting on that ugly bitch and after being turned down, calling her an “insensitive slut”. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?

2. Instead of the movie it will be, present a slideshow of Scarlet Johansen Pictures.
I wouldn’t mind looking at eye candy Scarlet Johansen for an hour and a half. Plus, it will be dark so you know, anything goes.

3. Have R Kelly do Commentary on the movie, Trapped in the Closet style.
If you haven’t seen “Trapped in the Closet” by R Kelly, then you are missing out on a great drinking flick. There isn’t anything funnier than R Kelly singing a horrible song for 45 minutes while numerous bad actors act it out. Oh wait, there is, and its R Kelly’s Commentary on the film. Instead of just a voice over, you get a voice over AND cigar smoking R Kelly watching the film with you in a chair. Its one of a kind, you have to see it.

4. 10 drink minimum.
Being drunk makes anything easy to handle and being plastered just lets you forget. So therefore, give the audience and open bar and a mandatory 10 drink minimum and just watch those faces turn upside down. But if you are seeing a different movie, wait 20 minutes after "Napoleon Dynamite" lets out, you may die in a car crash due to plastered driving.

5. replace the entire film with “Cool Hand Luke”.
Paul Newman plays a bad ass man with no love for rules and the prison he resides. They just don’t make them like this anymore.


Of course, not making the movie would be just as good as any of those... except maybe for that open bar thing. That would be pretty bad ass.